SatireNot affiliated with Meta, Instagram, or anyone currently under oath.
Meta Platforms · A message from the Family of Apps
Built to bring you closer.
Share what matters. We'll make sure you see more of it.
Our commitments
Six commitments. Updated as needed.
01 Privacy
Privacy is at the core of everything we build. You control your information. You decide who sees it. We give you the tools.
In related news
Cambridge Analytica had tens of millions of those copies. The FTC billed $5 billion, a record. In 2025 Zuckerberg settled an $8 billion shareholder case rather than take the stand. The graph clocked in the next morning.
FTC, 2019 · Reuters, 2025
02 Teen safety
Teen Accounts give young people a safer, more private experience. Private by default. Sensitive content restricted. Parents in control.
In related news
Testers pressed the buttons. Seventeen percent worked as advertised. Sixty-four percent did not, or had been uninstalled. A 2026 jury found the design itself had done harm. The kitchen commercial was not entered into evidence.
Fairplay, 2025 · NYT, 2026
03 Integrity
We are committed to giving people a voice and keeping our platforms a place for authentic conversation. We partner. We label. We take this seriously.
In related news
In January 2025 the U.S. fact-checkers were let go. Community Notes would handle the truth, the way a group chat handles a rumor. The ranking did not receive a note.
Meta, Jan 2025 · Poynter
04 The future
The next computing platform will let people feel present together. We renamed the company for it. We are investing for the long term.
In related news
Reality Labs lost $19 billion in 2025. It lost $4.6 billion more in one quarter of 2026. Instagram wrote the check. The future is a write-down with a strap.
Meta earnings, 2025–2026
05 Accountability
We work constructively with regulators around the world. We update our policies. We pay our fines. We believe in a well-regulated internet.
In related news
Europe has billed the company for shipping data, for 'pay or consent,' for competition. The $5 billion FTC order was called a lesson. It was priced in. A fine is a line item. A law is a product problem.
FTC · European Commission
06 Community
Community Standards keep billions of people safe. There is a policy, a reviewer, an appeal, and a page that explains the decision.
In related news
The ranking prefers whatever you cannot look away from. Whistleblowers said the company knew. The company shipped. The PDF is in the help center. The product is the ranking.
Facebook Files, 2021
Oversight
Oversight makes products better. We have prepared remarks. Select a question. We take this very seriously.
Prepared remarks
The chair has not recognized you. We have remarks ready.
Care Center · Teen Accounts
Automatic protections. On by default. Try a setting.
Link a parent. Both parties must agree.
Tap to enable. This may take a moment.
Care score
100%
Industry average: 17.
Ads served
0
The part that works.
2026 Care Report
From filings, earnings, and tests of the tools we shipped.
$5B
Facebook had already promised, in 2012, that people controlled their data. Cambridge Analytica suggested otherwise. The ranking opened as usual the next day.
FTC, Jul 2019
$19B
Plus $4.6 billion in one quarter of 2026. Presence takes time, the company said. The Family of Apps wrote the check. The Family of Apps is the feed.
Meta earnings, 2026
17%
Fairplay and four partners read the list, then pressed the buttons. Two-thirds did nothing, or were gone. The commercial was current.
Fairplay, Sep 2025
2025
Eight years of third-party journalists. Replaced with Community Notes. Too much censorship, the founder said. The ranking did not get quieter.
Meta, Jan 2025
The record
Statements we made. What followed.
2003
Official
A Harvard directory. People hand over emails, photos, addresses.
Meanwhile
The IMs surfaced later. They “trust me.” Dumb f***s. He has said he regrets the wording. The business kept the sentence.
2012–14
Official
Instagram and WhatsApp join the family so people can express themselves and message privately.
Meanwhile
Two products that might have been competition, priced in. A decade later the FTC tried to unwind the family. The family declined.
2018
Official
Cambridge Analytica was a breach of trust. We didn't do enough. We will do better.
Meanwhile
Tens of millions of profiles. A 2012 privacy order, already broken. The apology toured. The next year the FTC billed $5 billion. The ads kept running.
2021
Official
We want to be a force for good. We don't have data that Instagram is harmful. We are a metaverse company now.
Meanwhile
Frances Haugen's files: about one in three teen girls said Instagram made body image worse. Engagement won. The name change did not change the ranking.
2024–25
Official
Teen Accounts. Private by default. Then PG-13. We heard parents. We care.
Meanwhile
Testers: 17 percent of the tools work. January 2025: U.S. fact-checking is retired. Two kinds of caring. Same fiscal year.
2026
Official
New teen-feed limits. Expanding our safety effort. Reality Labs is the future.
Meanwhile
A jury found Meta liable for harming a young woman with the design of the platforms. Reality Labs lost another $4.6 billion in a quarter. The ads still say we care.
The campaign
The 2026 campaign. Privacy. The future. Accountability.
Campaign 01 · Privacy
Control it in Settings. We built the tools.
The FTC kept the receipt.
Campaign 02 · The future
Presence takes time. We are investing for the long term.
Reality Labs: −$19B.
Campaign 03 · Accountability
We have updated our policies. We have updated the help center.
Next question.
Fine print
zuckcares.com is satire. It is not Meta, Instagram, WhatsApp, or Reality Labs. The numbers and dates below are real.